Who will I become?

I am scheduled to have gastric bypass surgery 17 days from today. I’ve started my low-calorie, low-carb diet and I’ve already dropped a few pounds. I am excited for all the possibility that my future holds.

I imagine, though, that I know a bit what a drug addict feels like knowing he is going to rehab. Since I started the post-op diet, knowing that the success of the operation itself depends on how well I adhere to the diet, I keep thinking about all the drugs I’m giving up…sneaking through the Chick-Fil-A drive-through for a secret helping of nugs and waffle fries and eating them in the car before I get to wherever I’m going; gallons of coffee and diet Coke; bags of salty, crunch things like Doritos or chips and salsa. For years and years now, food has been my addiction. Although, like an alcoholic, I’ve tried to largely keep the volume of food a secret, anyone who looks at me can plainly see I eat too much and move too little. Not even my husband realizes the true volume of food I have been consuming. The day I realized that by giving all of this up, I was really going to be gaining a whole lot more was the day I decided to have the surgery. And although I know this is the right thing for me to do and this is the right time to do it, I am still mourning the loss of my old friend.

I’ve spent the past 9 months working with an eating disorders counselor, let’s call her Ann, and have come to realize a lot of things about myself and they way I live my life. Things that I think many people either take for granted or never give a second thought to. When I am anxious or bored, I soothe myself with something deep fried. Some people drink too much, so people have sex with strangers, some people are mean to their loved ones…I eat. It has taken me these past months working with Ann to learn better ways to take care of myself and to deal with my feelings. I spent a lot of evenings alone thinking about whether I’m actually going to eat the entire pizza I just ordered or not. I have gone so far as to throw food away or even throw it out the window of my car. I have made a lot of improvements and changed a lot of bad habits. All the same, I know I still have a very long way to go and I know that post-bypass, I physically just will not be able to indulge my food cravings and all those feelings are just going to be there and need to be dealt with. I guess this is why, when they do an intervention, they take the addict away to treatment immediately – no time to contemplate the loss of your way of life and way of coping.

Knowing and understanding this, I am wondering what my life will really be like post-op. Will there be a transfer of addiction? Having gone through the recovery process now with several loved ones, I know that addictions often get traded. Alcoholics often trade their wine for meetings. My mother became something of a compulsive shopper (a very expensive addiction) and then a compulsive home improver. It is harsh to say, but cancer came along and gave her something else to obsess about for a couple of years. Now she is healthy and she’s on to cooking. I think she also has an excessive number of “medical problems;” she’s always wearing a new brace or device or needing some sort of appointment with some specialist or another. My sister became a compulsive runner, running so much she was facing back surgery. Then it was dogs, always rescuing dogs to the point of getting herself in over her head. She flirts with a sex addiction, and now that she is engaged to man who will not sleep with her until they are married, she is rushing a wedding through, allowing sex (or lack thereof) to cause her to make poor decisions that are negatively impacting her family relationships and her future. Although both of them no longer drink alcohol, the addictive behavior has not stopped.

Will surgery and weight loss consume my thoughts and time? Will I spend hours at my support group instead of eating? Or will I finally learn to live a balanced life?

Food is an Addiction

There is so much to do that when I stop to think about it, I get paralyzed. This sort of paralysis, of course, does not lend it self to accomplishing my goals. The goal is so overwhelming right now that I can not even conceive of accomplishing it. This definitely does not bode well for success.

There is a constant battle going on in my head. The rational, smart, compassionate part of me knows, absolutely knows without a doubt, that I am smart enough to solve this problem, conquer this battle. I need to loose some weight. I know how it is done – eat less, move more. It is so simple.

Then there is the part of me that has, historically, always emerged the victor. This is the weaker, less rational side, yet somehow, someway, this is the side that dominates. This is the side that does not stop to think first, the side that allows the pleasure of the hand-to-mouth action, the chewing and swallowing, and the subsequent feelings of physical fullness to dictate my life. If only I would just stop to think first, I could fix this. But this side of me does not think, this voice is louder than the other, talks more, wants more.

When I come down from the high, I only feel worse. I realize that I am not in control. Feeling out of control is horrible.

Both of my parents are followers of the 12 steps. I have witnessed my mother’s success in conquering her addiction by following these steps. Rest assured that eating the way I do is nothing short of addiction. This is the first time I have acknowledged this about myself. Maybe it is time for me to embrace these 12 steps myself. I was in high school when she started getting herself together and I have clear memories of this time. I distinctly remember her “one day at a time” mantra. I must adopt this for myself, only modified slightly. One minute at a time is all I can handle right now. Just one minute. For one minute, I can be strong, do the right thing. And if I can do it for one minute, then I can do it for the next. And hopefully all those minutes will eventually add up to an entire day of success.

I am determined that, from now on, the rational, smart side is going to have the louder voice.