An Ounce of Prevention

Last night was a bad, bad night. I was home alone and I let it get to me. In my quest to unlearn years of disordered and emotional eating, I have learned  - ok, I guess I always knew – I have acknowledged that, for various reasons, my anxiety level can get really  high when I’m left alone and I soothe myself with food.  It happened last night. I’d been mindful and without a binge for so long and last night was a relapse. I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic who got drunk last night. Except that I’ve always thought it would be easier to recover from alcohol addiction (to clarify, I KNOW that this is not easy, just easier) than from food addiction just because you don’t need alcohol to live the way you need to eat to live.

I am disappointed in myself, not so much for what I ate this time, but more so for having put all this effort and time and money into getting better only to blow it last night. I won’t let this ruin today, though. So yesterday was a bad day. A really bad day. And now that I’m thinking about it, it was worse that I first thought. I grazed all day long yesterday. I think it was all related to knowing that I’d be alone last night and having some anxiety about it.

The last time this happened, my counselor told me that, if I have WLS, I simply will not be able to do this. Your body is just not capable of handling that volume of food, so you need to find some other way to deal with your anxiety, she told me. She helped me think of ways to stave off relapse - ounces of prevention - don't bring trigger foods home, have a plan for what to do, sort out the thoughts before acting...why didn't I do any of those things last night. I knew all day long that I was going to be home alone last night. I did choose to meet my friends for sushi for dinner, knowing that would keep me busy and satisfied for some time, but it didn't last. As soon as I got home from dinner, I made myself a second dinner. It's disgusting when I think about it that way.

Does this relapse mean I’m not ready? 

To Cut or Not to Cut...

I've been seeing an eating disorders counselor for a few months now. She has really helped me see my Ed for what it is - a compulsion driven my anxiety and emotion. I know now how to distinguish my own voice from Ed's. If you are reading this and you think you might have an eating disorder of any sort, please read Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaeffer. It's changed my life.

My counselor - uh, I hated her at first - horribly cute, perky, young, skinny - is wonderful. She has urged me to stay open-minded when it comes to weight loss surgery. So I've been considering it. Of course my experience with my father's WLS has left me skidish about malabsorption procedures. Be open to it she says, learn about it she says, decide for yourself she says. So I went to see a surgeon. And guess what, I was diagnosed with MORBID OBESITY! I am so fat it's going to kill me. Nice.

I've really been considering the lap band surgery. But I can't really find anyone who has had it for more than 5 years to talk to me about the long-term effects. Seems like most people start having a lot of trouble with it and have to have it removed. I've found lots of people out there with up to two years of being banded and many seem very happy with it. And then there are those who have had so many problems they've had it removed. And the doctor tells me that, based on my history and BMI, I should really consider gastric bypass.

OK, I've stayed open minded, I've been reading, listening, asking questions. But the idea of gastric bypass scares the crap out of me. From most accounts, there's rapid initial weight loss (frequently accompanied by hair loss) within the first year or so. Sounds appealing, right?! How about this - 5 years pass and suddenly you're in chronic pain, your bowels collapse, your intestine starts pushing up through your stomach, reflux, constant nausea, weight gain, vitamin and mineral deficiencies...NO THANK YOU!!!

Weight loss surgery is all I can think about lately. Should I do it, should I not do it? Can I make the life-long lifestyle changes it requires? If I can, why do I have to have surgery, why not just change myself? If, post-surgery, you can only eat 1/4 cup of food, then shouldn't I practice doing that? I can't imagine going through all of that only to end up being fat again and possibly fat with life-threatening complications from the surgery.

Oh, surgery...I've been dreaming about it. I finally had to quit reading the "support forums" because I'm becoming obsessed with it.

I rejoined Weight Watchers today. It's a good place to start, I think. I was watching Jillian on Biggest Loser last week and she told this girl who wanted to quit, "all you have to do is change your mind." What if she's right? Honestly, after reading all of these forums, I realize that she really might be right, but for some of us, it take a surgical procedure to help us change our minds.