An Ounce of Prevention

Last night was a bad, bad night. I was home alone and I let it get to me. In my quest to unlearn years of disordered and emotional eating, I have learned  - ok, I guess I always knew – I have acknowledged that, for various reasons, my anxiety level can get really  high when I’m left alone and I soothe myself with food.  It happened last night. I’d been mindful and without a binge for so long and last night was a relapse. I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic who got drunk last night. Except that I’ve always thought it would be easier to recover from alcohol addiction (to clarify, I KNOW that this is not easy, just easier) than from food addiction just because you don’t need alcohol to live the way you need to eat to live.

I am disappointed in myself, not so much for what I ate this time, but more so for having put all this effort and time and money into getting better only to blow it last night. I won’t let this ruin today, though. So yesterday was a bad day. A really bad day. And now that I’m thinking about it, it was worse that I first thought. I grazed all day long yesterday. I think it was all related to knowing that I’d be alone last night and having some anxiety about it.

The last time this happened, my counselor told me that, if I have WLS, I simply will not be able to do this. Your body is just not capable of handling that volume of food, so you need to find some other way to deal with your anxiety, she told me. She helped me think of ways to stave off relapse - ounces of prevention - don't bring trigger foods home, have a plan for what to do, sort out the thoughts before acting...why didn't I do any of those things last night. I knew all day long that I was going to be home alone last night. I did choose to meet my friends for sushi for dinner, knowing that would keep me busy and satisfied for some time, but it didn't last. As soon as I got home from dinner, I made myself a second dinner. It's disgusting when I think about it that way.

Does this relapse mean I’m not ready? 

Water Ruins a Perm

I've taken up swimming. It's a great workout, burning more calories that running (I didn’t believe it at first either – check out this calorie burn counter http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc), without leaving my feet, knees, and ankles screaming for hours afterward. I love swimming…once I get into my rhythm, I’m able to push through the “I can’t stand another second of this” to get in a really decent workout. And it’s quiet in the water. Sure, there are a million people at the gym at any given time, but once I’m in the pool, all I hear is my breathing and my thoughts.


When I run or use the elliptical, I feel like I’m on display. I hate running outside because I’m being watched by so many people and it makes me really uneasy. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do; all I can think about is the jiggling and shaking and how fast I'm not going. It’s not much better inside the gym. The way my gym is set up, there are windows all around the fitness equipment room so that even people who are not at least jiggling about with you can still watch. But in the pool, it’s different. I feel like the water gives me some sort of cover. Sure, the lifeguards can see me from their vantage point, but the other swimmers can’t. And due to the location of the pool, which is somewhat segregated from the rest of the facility, there aren’t really any casual bystanders milling about. The other swimmers have their faces in the water, so there’s just this feeling of having some sort of privacy.

While I love the cover of the water, I’ve discovered a whole new group of people for me to watch (I know, I know, I like it both ways): the blue hairs. There are all sorts of old ladies who come to the pool in the middle of the day. They do water aerobics wearing floral-print swim suits and aqua socks. The best part, though, is that they all get into the pool and then try not to get wet. Seriously?? Who gets into 30,000 gallons of water and then tries not to get wet? I guess water ruins a good perm.

Who knew the best part about swimming would be the people watching?

NEWSFLASH!

Newsflash: I can be full on just a little bit of food. In my pre-surgery quest, I have decided to see what it’s like to eat like one must following weight loss surgery. Of course, I do this knowing that I have a giant stomach stretched to the max from 20 + years of overeating and that post-WLS, most people are left with a stomach pouch roughly the size of an egg, or about 3-4 ounces. I didn’t think that I’d get full on just a cup of food. But guess what? I can! I am hungry again 2-3 hours later, but then a ¼ or so of food goes back in. Because I like to think I can think my way out of (or into) things, I think that if I’m going to expect to adjust to such a major life change following surgery, I ought to test it out first. I mean, what happens if I don’t try it first and then I’ve got this crazy, altered anatomy that doesn’t do what I want it to do? I heard one person who is five years post-op say she would never recommend the surgery to anyone because most people simply do not understand how great of a life-style change it really is. So basically I need to know if I can do it before I do it (like I said, sometimes I think too much).

So anyway, here I sit, measuring, weighing, and counting like never before. I mean to be serious this time. I’ve been eating no more than one cup of food at a time. One cup isn’t all that much, especially compared to the way I’ve been eating. Of course, post-op diets should have very limited amounts of fat and refined sugar and protein comes first. And so it has been for me the past few days. Full disclosure: I’ve only been doing this for three days, but what a difference it has made. I realize that I have to be committed to this for the rest of my life. And right now I understand that my health and longevity depend on my ability to do this for the rest of my life, surgery or no surgery.

Realistically, I think most people, me included, grossly underestimate how much we consume. We really, really, really don’t realize how much we take it. My husband says he just had a couple of beers when really it was six. Sure, to him, it honestly seemed like it was just a couple. I say, “oh, I don’t really eat that much and somehow I’m still so fat.” Ha. I challenge anyone who thinks that about themselves to take a hard, honest look at the volume you consume. Before you put a single thing down your gullet, weigh and measure it. Take a good look at how much food 4 ounces really is and eat only that amount. Track it for a few weeks and then take a look back and see how much you were consuming before. I bet you’ll be surprised.

I am so on the fence about this and I don’t think you should go into it unless you’re sure. While it is not impossible, it’s very difficult to get a do-over in this scenario. So, gone for good are the days of eating until I’m stuffed just so that I won’t be hungry later. No matter what I eat now, no matter how much, at some point, I’m going to be hungry again later. There’s absolutely no reason to eat enough for two at one sitting. Eat just enough to satisfy my physical needs and stop. This is a skill we’re born with – new born babies are smarter than I – but so many of us need to relearn this lesson.

To Cut or Not to Cut...

I've been seeing an eating disorders counselor for a few months now. She has really helped me see my Ed for what it is - a compulsion driven my anxiety and emotion. I know now how to distinguish my own voice from Ed's. If you are reading this and you think you might have an eating disorder of any sort, please read Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaeffer. It's changed my life.

My counselor - uh, I hated her at first - horribly cute, perky, young, skinny - is wonderful. She has urged me to stay open-minded when it comes to weight loss surgery. So I've been considering it. Of course my experience with my father's WLS has left me skidish about malabsorption procedures. Be open to it she says, learn about it she says, decide for yourself she says. So I went to see a surgeon. And guess what, I was diagnosed with MORBID OBESITY! I am so fat it's going to kill me. Nice.

I've really been considering the lap band surgery. But I can't really find anyone who has had it for more than 5 years to talk to me about the long-term effects. Seems like most people start having a lot of trouble with it and have to have it removed. I've found lots of people out there with up to two years of being banded and many seem very happy with it. And then there are those who have had so many problems they've had it removed. And the doctor tells me that, based on my history and BMI, I should really consider gastric bypass.

OK, I've stayed open minded, I've been reading, listening, asking questions. But the idea of gastric bypass scares the crap out of me. From most accounts, there's rapid initial weight loss (frequently accompanied by hair loss) within the first year or so. Sounds appealing, right?! How about this - 5 years pass and suddenly you're in chronic pain, your bowels collapse, your intestine starts pushing up through your stomach, reflux, constant nausea, weight gain, vitamin and mineral deficiencies...NO THANK YOU!!!

Weight loss surgery is all I can think about lately. Should I do it, should I not do it? Can I make the life-long lifestyle changes it requires? If I can, why do I have to have surgery, why not just change myself? If, post-surgery, you can only eat 1/4 cup of food, then shouldn't I practice doing that? I can't imagine going through all of that only to end up being fat again and possibly fat with life-threatening complications from the surgery.

Oh, surgery...I've been dreaming about it. I finally had to quit reading the "support forums" because I'm becoming obsessed with it.

I rejoined Weight Watchers today. It's a good place to start, I think. I was watching Jillian on Biggest Loser last week and she told this girl who wanted to quit, "all you have to do is change your mind." What if she's right? Honestly, after reading all of these forums, I realize that she really might be right, but for some of us, it take a surgical procedure to help us change our minds.

Too Fat to be Attractive

Last night my husband told me he is not attracted to me physically. My heart breaks each time I think about it. I can hardly be mad at him for feeling that way; I can barely stand to see myself in the mirror. But having him admit it aloud, right to my face...it is just heartbreaking. It knocks the wind right out of me.

He also told me in the same conversation that I am everything he wants for the rest of his life. That I alone am the one person that he wants to be with. But he has trouble making love to me because of my appearance. How do I reconcile such a conflict? I love you but I can't stand the sight of you?? I asked for honesty and I got it. Now I have to live with consequences of it.

Over a year ago, I proposed bariatric surgery. He told me that is the easy way out and that the resulting flabby skin would be too ugly. And then he turns around and tells me this now. Well, to be fair, I've gotten a lot fatter in the past year, though I've been plump since he met me. But I put off the idea of the surgery in part because of his reaction to it. Why does it matter to him if I have the surgery or not? Seems like either way, he wants nothing to do with my naked body. I know surgery is not what I want, not the answer for me because of my experience with my dad.

Am I just destined to be stuck on this horrible and now insipid rollercoaster for ever? What am I missing? What, exactly, is it that I just don't get?

I've seriously started considering grown-up fat camp. I'm afraid of something too "Biggest Loser," but maybe I really need a few weeks away to regroup and refocus. Maybe I just need to give up.

Doctors Don't Know

Unbelievable. I just heard a "The Zone" diet doctor giving an interview. He was going on and on about how, if you keep your blood sugar within a certain zone, you never feel hungry and therefore, it's easy to lose weight. That just goes to show that doctor's don't know.

Honestly, if it were only about being hungry, we would not have an obese society. HUNGRY?? Please. I am ALWAYS HUNGRY. Getting to this level of obesity has so little to do with actually being physically hungry. All these experts yapping about being hungry...that's soooo not the problem. It's about being bored, sad, lonely, scared, angry, all sort of things, but not hungry.

It's about being in control. Or feeling out of control. It's about finding a calm satiety. Only the satiety is followed by guilt and despair. This, of course, drives the cycle to repeat.

It took years for me to even know what physical hunger is. I spent 20 some years thinking that hunger was an emotion rather than a physical state of being. Clearly, my problem is not about being hungry. Surely someone with an MD ought to be able to realize this.

My dad has a load of problems. Always has, always will. Chief among them, he is always hungry. In 1976, he had a radical surgery - intestinal bypass - that left him malnourished, constantly dehydrated, and suffering from life-long diarrhea. Today, he is more than 100 pounds overweight. Anyway, I am a lot like him. I learned from him, his eating habits, his emotional immaturity. Luckily for me, I've learned to take better care of myself than he has. I have accepted responsibility for my life in a way that he never has been able to do. I have not overcome all of my "issues," but I have grown and learned and bettered myself. I am still growing.

For years, I was terribly jealous of my sister. She had managed to escape the "fat gene" that our father gave me. She was always cute and little and had a very, very different experience growing up than I did. In recent years, I have come to realize that she has her own issues, that she was damaged as well as I. Growing up as my father's daughter has manifested itself in different ways for my sister. She is emotionally stunted. I have very, very recently come to the realization that she can be mean. She dealt with the situation by hardening herself to it, whereas I soaked it all up like a sponge and took it all upon myself. She is mean and I am messy. I am no longer jealous of her; rather, I recognize the scars and respect her distance from us. She has done what she has had to do to survive, just like the rest of us. Turns out, she's hungry, too.

You Can't Just Stop Eating

It almost seems unfair. There a lot of things in the world to be addicted to, but food must be the worst among them. You have to eat to live. Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that quitting drinking or drugs or any other addiction is easy. I know that it is not.

I have recently set new goals for myself. In the past it was always to loose some number of pounds or to wear some certain size. Those goals are gone now. Today, my goals are to heal myself, to overcome compulsive eating, to reach a healthy state of being. Certainly reaching those goals involves weight loss, lower numbers on the scale, and smaller sizes in the closet. But those are just the side effects.

I'm 32 years old and already taking medication for high blood pressure. God only knows what 40 would look like in this body. No matter, things are changing.

I finally feel good and strong and willing to make change, real, lasting change, in my life. I am finally looking at the bigger picture and now, after 25 years of struggle, I am finally making changes, not dieting. Anyone who has ever dieted knows the difference.