Last night my husband told me he is not attracted to me physically. My heart breaks each time I think about it. I can hardly be mad at him for feeling that way; I can barely stand to see myself in the mirror. But having him admit it aloud, right to my face...it is just heartbreaking. It knocks the wind right out of me.
He also told me in the same conversation that I am everything he wants for the rest of his life. That I alone am the one person that he wants to be with. But he has trouble making love to me because of my appearance. How do I reconcile such a conflict? I love you but I can't stand the sight of you?? I asked for honesty and I got it. Now I have to live with consequences of it.
Over a year ago, I proposed bariatric surgery. He told me that is the easy way out and that the resulting flabby skin would be too ugly. And then he turns around and tells me this now. Well, to be fair, I've gotten a lot fatter in the past year, though I've been plump since he met me. But I put off the idea of the surgery in part because of his reaction to it. Why does it matter to him if I have the surgery or not? Seems like either way, he wants nothing to do with my naked body. I know surgery is not what I want, not the answer for me because of my experience with my dad.
Am I just destined to be stuck on this horrible and now insipid rollercoaster for ever? What am I missing? What, exactly, is it that I just don't get?
I've seriously started considering grown-up fat camp. I'm afraid of something too "Biggest Loser," but maybe I really need a few weeks away to regroup and refocus. Maybe I just need to give up.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
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