An Ounce of Prevention

Last night was a bad, bad night. I was home alone and I let it get to me. In my quest to unlearn years of disordered and emotional eating, I have learned  - ok, I guess I always knew – I have acknowledged that, for various reasons, my anxiety level can get really  high when I’m left alone and I soothe myself with food.  It happened last night. I’d been mindful and without a binge for so long and last night was a relapse. I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic who got drunk last night. Except that I’ve always thought it would be easier to recover from alcohol addiction (to clarify, I KNOW that this is not easy, just easier) than from food addiction just because you don’t need alcohol to live the way you need to eat to live.

I am disappointed in myself, not so much for what I ate this time, but more so for having put all this effort and time and money into getting better only to blow it last night. I won’t let this ruin today, though. So yesterday was a bad day. A really bad day. And now that I’m thinking about it, it was worse that I first thought. I grazed all day long yesterday. I think it was all related to knowing that I’d be alone last night and having some anxiety about it.

The last time this happened, my counselor told me that, if I have WLS, I simply will not be able to do this. Your body is just not capable of handling that volume of food, so you need to find some other way to deal with your anxiety, she told me. She helped me think of ways to stave off relapse - ounces of prevention - don't bring trigger foods home, have a plan for what to do, sort out the thoughts before acting...why didn't I do any of those things last night. I knew all day long that I was going to be home alone last night. I did choose to meet my friends for sushi for dinner, knowing that would keep me busy and satisfied for some time, but it didn't last. As soon as I got home from dinner, I made myself a second dinner. It's disgusting when I think about it that way.

Does this relapse mean I’m not ready? 

Water Ruins a Perm

I've taken up swimming. It's a great workout, burning more calories that running (I didn’t believe it at first either – check out this calorie burn counter http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc), without leaving my feet, knees, and ankles screaming for hours afterward. I love swimming…once I get into my rhythm, I’m able to push through the “I can’t stand another second of this” to get in a really decent workout. And it’s quiet in the water. Sure, there are a million people at the gym at any given time, but once I’m in the pool, all I hear is my breathing and my thoughts.


When I run or use the elliptical, I feel like I’m on display. I hate running outside because I’m being watched by so many people and it makes me really uneasy. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do; all I can think about is the jiggling and shaking and how fast I'm not going. It’s not much better inside the gym. The way my gym is set up, there are windows all around the fitness equipment room so that even people who are not at least jiggling about with you can still watch. But in the pool, it’s different. I feel like the water gives me some sort of cover. Sure, the lifeguards can see me from their vantage point, but the other swimmers can’t. And due to the location of the pool, which is somewhat segregated from the rest of the facility, there aren’t really any casual bystanders milling about. The other swimmers have their faces in the water, so there’s just this feeling of having some sort of privacy.

While I love the cover of the water, I’ve discovered a whole new group of people for me to watch (I know, I know, I like it both ways): the blue hairs. There are all sorts of old ladies who come to the pool in the middle of the day. They do water aerobics wearing floral-print swim suits and aqua socks. The best part, though, is that they all get into the pool and then try not to get wet. Seriously?? Who gets into 30,000 gallons of water and then tries not to get wet? I guess water ruins a good perm.

Who knew the best part about swimming would be the people watching?