NEWSFLASH!

Newsflash: I can be full on just a little bit of food. In my pre-surgery quest, I have decided to see what it’s like to eat like one must following weight loss surgery. Of course, I do this knowing that I have a giant stomach stretched to the max from 20 + years of overeating and that post-WLS, most people are left with a stomach pouch roughly the size of an egg, or about 3-4 ounces. I didn’t think that I’d get full on just a cup of food. But guess what? I can! I am hungry again 2-3 hours later, but then a ¼ or so of food goes back in. Because I like to think I can think my way out of (or into) things, I think that if I’m going to expect to adjust to such a major life change following surgery, I ought to test it out first. I mean, what happens if I don’t try it first and then I’ve got this crazy, altered anatomy that doesn’t do what I want it to do? I heard one person who is five years post-op say she would never recommend the surgery to anyone because most people simply do not understand how great of a life-style change it really is. So basically I need to know if I can do it before I do it (like I said, sometimes I think too much).

So anyway, here I sit, measuring, weighing, and counting like never before. I mean to be serious this time. I’ve been eating no more than one cup of food at a time. One cup isn’t all that much, especially compared to the way I’ve been eating. Of course, post-op diets should have very limited amounts of fat and refined sugar and protein comes first. And so it has been for me the past few days. Full disclosure: I’ve only been doing this for three days, but what a difference it has made. I realize that I have to be committed to this for the rest of my life. And right now I understand that my health and longevity depend on my ability to do this for the rest of my life, surgery or no surgery.

Realistically, I think most people, me included, grossly underestimate how much we consume. We really, really, really don’t realize how much we take it. My husband says he just had a couple of beers when really it was six. Sure, to him, it honestly seemed like it was just a couple. I say, “oh, I don’t really eat that much and somehow I’m still so fat.” Ha. I challenge anyone who thinks that about themselves to take a hard, honest look at the volume you consume. Before you put a single thing down your gullet, weigh and measure it. Take a good look at how much food 4 ounces really is and eat only that amount. Track it for a few weeks and then take a look back and see how much you were consuming before. I bet you’ll be surprised.

I am so on the fence about this and I don’t think you should go into it unless you’re sure. While it is not impossible, it’s very difficult to get a do-over in this scenario. So, gone for good are the days of eating until I’m stuffed just so that I won’t be hungry later. No matter what I eat now, no matter how much, at some point, I’m going to be hungry again later. There’s absolutely no reason to eat enough for two at one sitting. Eat just enough to satisfy my physical needs and stop. This is a skill we’re born with – new born babies are smarter than I – but so many of us need to relearn this lesson.

To Cut or Not to Cut...

I've been seeing an eating disorders counselor for a few months now. She has really helped me see my Ed for what it is - a compulsion driven my anxiety and emotion. I know now how to distinguish my own voice from Ed's. If you are reading this and you think you might have an eating disorder of any sort, please read Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaeffer. It's changed my life.

My counselor - uh, I hated her at first - horribly cute, perky, young, skinny - is wonderful. She has urged me to stay open-minded when it comes to weight loss surgery. So I've been considering it. Of course my experience with my father's WLS has left me skidish about malabsorption procedures. Be open to it she says, learn about it she says, decide for yourself she says. So I went to see a surgeon. And guess what, I was diagnosed with MORBID OBESITY! I am so fat it's going to kill me. Nice.

I've really been considering the lap band surgery. But I can't really find anyone who has had it for more than 5 years to talk to me about the long-term effects. Seems like most people start having a lot of trouble with it and have to have it removed. I've found lots of people out there with up to two years of being banded and many seem very happy with it. And then there are those who have had so many problems they've had it removed. And the doctor tells me that, based on my history and BMI, I should really consider gastric bypass.

OK, I've stayed open minded, I've been reading, listening, asking questions. But the idea of gastric bypass scares the crap out of me. From most accounts, there's rapid initial weight loss (frequently accompanied by hair loss) within the first year or so. Sounds appealing, right?! How about this - 5 years pass and suddenly you're in chronic pain, your bowels collapse, your intestine starts pushing up through your stomach, reflux, constant nausea, weight gain, vitamin and mineral deficiencies...NO THANK YOU!!!

Weight loss surgery is all I can think about lately. Should I do it, should I not do it? Can I make the life-long lifestyle changes it requires? If I can, why do I have to have surgery, why not just change myself? If, post-surgery, you can only eat 1/4 cup of food, then shouldn't I practice doing that? I can't imagine going through all of that only to end up being fat again and possibly fat with life-threatening complications from the surgery.

Oh, surgery...I've been dreaming about it. I finally had to quit reading the "support forums" because I'm becoming obsessed with it.

I rejoined Weight Watchers today. It's a good place to start, I think. I was watching Jillian on Biggest Loser last week and she told this girl who wanted to quit, "all you have to do is change your mind." What if she's right? Honestly, after reading all of these forums, I realize that she really might be right, but for some of us, it take a surgical procedure to help us change our minds.