Doctors Don't Know

Unbelievable. I just heard a "The Zone" diet doctor giving an interview. He was going on and on about how, if you keep your blood sugar within a certain zone, you never feel hungry and therefore, it's easy to lose weight. That just goes to show that doctor's don't know.

Honestly, if it were only about being hungry, we would not have an obese society. HUNGRY?? Please. I am ALWAYS HUNGRY. Getting to this level of obesity has so little to do with actually being physically hungry. All these experts yapping about being hungry...that's soooo not the problem. It's about being bored, sad, lonely, scared, angry, all sort of things, but not hungry.

It's about being in control. Or feeling out of control. It's about finding a calm satiety. Only the satiety is followed by guilt and despair. This, of course, drives the cycle to repeat.

It took years for me to even know what physical hunger is. I spent 20 some years thinking that hunger was an emotion rather than a physical state of being. Clearly, my problem is not about being hungry. Surely someone with an MD ought to be able to realize this.

My dad has a load of problems. Always has, always will. Chief among them, he is always hungry. In 1976, he had a radical surgery - intestinal bypass - that left him malnourished, constantly dehydrated, and suffering from life-long diarrhea. Today, he is more than 100 pounds overweight. Anyway, I am a lot like him. I learned from him, his eating habits, his emotional immaturity. Luckily for me, I've learned to take better care of myself than he has. I have accepted responsibility for my life in a way that he never has been able to do. I have not overcome all of my "issues," but I have grown and learned and bettered myself. I am still growing.

For years, I was terribly jealous of my sister. She had managed to escape the "fat gene" that our father gave me. She was always cute and little and had a very, very different experience growing up than I did. In recent years, I have come to realize that she has her own issues, that she was damaged as well as I. Growing up as my father's daughter has manifested itself in different ways for my sister. She is emotionally stunted. I have very, very recently come to the realization that she can be mean. She dealt with the situation by hardening herself to it, whereas I soaked it all up like a sponge and took it all upon myself. She is mean and I am messy. I am no longer jealous of her; rather, I recognize the scars and respect her distance from us. She has done what she has had to do to survive, just like the rest of us. Turns out, she's hungry, too.

You Can't Just Stop Eating

It almost seems unfair. There a lot of things in the world to be addicted to, but food must be the worst among them. You have to eat to live. Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that quitting drinking or drugs or any other addiction is easy. I know that it is not.

I have recently set new goals for myself. In the past it was always to loose some number of pounds or to wear some certain size. Those goals are gone now. Today, my goals are to heal myself, to overcome compulsive eating, to reach a healthy state of being. Certainly reaching those goals involves weight loss, lower numbers on the scale, and smaller sizes in the closet. But those are just the side effects.

I'm 32 years old and already taking medication for high blood pressure. God only knows what 40 would look like in this body. No matter, things are changing.

I finally feel good and strong and willing to make change, real, lasting change, in my life. I am finally looking at the bigger picture and now, after 25 years of struggle, I am finally making changes, not dieting. Anyone who has ever dieted knows the difference.