Last night was a bad, bad night. I was home alone and I let it get to me. In my quest to unlearn years of disordered and emotional eating, I have learned - ok, I guess I always knew – I have acknowledged that, for various reasons, my anxiety level can get really high when I’m left alone and I soothe myself with food. It happened last night. I’d been mindful and without a binge for so long and last night was a relapse. I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic who got drunk last night. Except that I’ve always thought it would be easier to recover from alcohol addiction (to clarify, I KNOW that this is not easy, just easier) than from food addiction just because you don’t need alcohol to live the way you need to eat to live.
I am disappointed in myself, not so much for what I ate this time, but more so for having put all this effort and time and money into getting better only to blow it last night. I won’t let this ruin today, though. So yesterday was a bad day. A really bad day. And now that I’m thinking about it, it was worse that I first thought. I grazed all day long yesterday. I think it was all related to knowing that I’d be alone last night and having some anxiety about it.
The last time this happened, my counselor told me that, if I have WLS, I simply will not be able to do this. Your body is just not capable of handling that volume of food, so you need to find some other way to deal with your anxiety, she told me. She helped me think of ways to stave off relapse - ounces of prevention - don't bring trigger foods home, have a plan for what to do, sort out the thoughts before acting...why didn't I do any of those things last night. I knew all day long that I was going to be home alone last night. I did choose to meet my friends for sushi for dinner, knowing that would keep me busy and satisfied for some time, but it didn't last. As soon as I got home from dinner, I made myself a second dinner. It's disgusting when I think about it that way.
Does this relapse mean I’m not ready?
Does this relapse mean I’m not ready?
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I decided that the events of last Friday constitute one last hurrah, one more time with my old friend before I have to move on. Seeing it in this light, I am ok with the events. I know that I am moving forward stronger than ever.
Sweet D is going out of town this weekend and I am not. So I know I will be home alone tomorrow night, but this time I have a plan. I’ve got a pile of things I want to do, a new book to read, and a shopping list. Knowing that I have a plan for myself feels good.
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