Food is an Addiction

There is so much to do that when I stop to think about it, I get paralyzed. This sort of paralysis, of course, does not lend it self to accomplishing my goals. The goal is so overwhelming right now that I can not even conceive of accomplishing it. This definitely does not bode well for success.

There is a constant battle going on in my head. The rational, smart, compassionate part of me knows, absolutely knows without a doubt, that I am smart enough to solve this problem, conquer this battle. I need to loose some weight. I know how it is done – eat less, move more. It is so simple.

Then there is the part of me that has, historically, always emerged the victor. This is the weaker, less rational side, yet somehow, someway, this is the side that dominates. This is the side that does not stop to think first, the side that allows the pleasure of the hand-to-mouth action, the chewing and swallowing, and the subsequent feelings of physical fullness to dictate my life. If only I would just stop to think first, I could fix this. But this side of me does not think, this voice is louder than the other, talks more, wants more.

When I come down from the high, I only feel worse. I realize that I am not in control. Feeling out of control is horrible.

Both of my parents are followers of the 12 steps. I have witnessed my mother’s success in conquering her addiction by following these steps. Rest assured that eating the way I do is nothing short of addiction. This is the first time I have acknowledged this about myself. Maybe it is time for me to embrace these 12 steps myself. I was in high school when she started getting herself together and I have clear memories of this time. I distinctly remember her “one day at a time” mantra. I must adopt this for myself, only modified slightly. One minute at a time is all I can handle right now. Just one minute. For one minute, I can be strong, do the right thing. And if I can do it for one minute, then I can do it for the next. And hopefully all those minutes will eventually add up to an entire day of success.

I am determined that, from now on, the rational, smart side is going to have the louder voice.